soulsistrin

I woke up this morning feeling completely exhausted despite having had a restful day yesterday. I decided to let myself sleep in. It’s probably PMS. I still feel like the walking dead.

My samosas came out amazing. First time I ever made anything vegetarian.

We have water again. I should do the dishes but meh.

You ever just get turned off of someone from one day to the next? Like one day they complained just one too many times about the same thing, or got involved in the same drama yet again but claimed they don’t understand how this always happens to them, or threatened to erase their blog for the thousandth time and you just looked at them and rolled your eyes and were done? I guess it doesn’t really just happen does it? It’s a slow build. I mean if shit keeps happening and the common denominator is you then I guess you might be the problem. And for god’s sake if you’re not enjoying tumblr then just leave. I’m certainly not enjoying reading about you bitching about it.

Attention seeking behaviour is not part of my nature so I forget sometimes that the dramatics are often just that. Either way ugh.

unfrozen-cavewoman:

jennisgreenribbon:

thisguyles:

moonsterm:

h4te:

pls friends

Please friends. Make inquiries. Or general statements, whichever pleases you most. Surely you are curious about something?

Oh fuck it why not?

Ready set go..

Our water cut out while I was in the middle of washing my hair this morning. I felt like I was in the middle of a bad sitcom.

We have a small water tank so I filled a bucket and finished off but it’s weird that we’d have a water shortage in the middle of the rainy season.

Today just started weird. It’s one of those throwaway days. I’m gonna work on a long overdue order and watch some Netflix. At least I don’t have to do the dishes.

You two are so cute!!

Aw thank you!

ropeandcoffee replied to your photo “Current situation”

Awesome! Where is that?

On the northwest coast of Trinidad. We were on a bertram headed up to Turtle Bay.

Spoke too soon. Chris came back from the grocery today and felt so hassled he didn’t want to go anywhere else for the rest of the day. That was actually fine by me. I still made the samosas. They’re in the oven right now. I used phyllo pastry which is a pain in the ass but so rewarding at the end. So yum either way.

We have a potluck lunch to go to today at the home of a friend who lives on a homestead up on a mountain. She and her partner make and sell their own brand of chocolate. We’re getting together with a group of other people who are interested in agriculture and growing their own food. I thought it would be nice for Chris to make connections with like minded people. I’m making veggie samosas. It should be interesting. I’m enjoying the fact that we’ve had a full weekend. It’s nice to get out and do things. Socializing. I’m doing it!

Watching Kill Bill Vol II and they’re burying the bride alive and I’m telling Chris I can’t watch. I’ve decided to buy a nightlight so that attack of claustrophobia I had last night doesn’t happen again. Confinement is one nightmare that would set it off but I obviously avoid such scenarios. But darkness? Oh god. I could be in a warehouse but if it’s too dark I feel like I’m dying. Suffocating to death. It’s such a horrible feeling. So yeah, a nightlight. Good solution

I actually really enjoyed myself on that boat cruise today. I’m glad I made myself go. We’re in Chaguanas (central Trinidad) waiting to meet up with a bunch of Chris’s college buddies for a(nother) farewell celebration. I changed in the car on the way. If anybody saw boobies well good for them.

Ugh!

Just woke up to an attack of claustrophobia

Darkness makes it worse and somehow our room feels too dark tonight. I had to turn on the lamp

Relief. It really felt like the room was swallowing me. Claustrophobia is just horrible.

I decided just to pick up the damn phone and call my cousin.

Basically what happened is that she got engaged and they were going to wait but the two sets of parents decided to help them pay for a tiny wedding. Both have large families so they had to keep it very small and very quiet. She told me she would have liked it to be even smaller but obviously did not have complete control over all the guests.

Her intention was to tell people as she saw or heard from them. The woman who told my mother about it knew that it was meant to be kept quiet. I feel she was trying to stir up trouble to be honest, by telling my mother who she knows fell out with my aunt years ago. My cousin of course has been dealing with everyone’s pissy attitudes about it since. I told her it couldn’t be helped. People make everything about themselves. Chris and I eloped and we are still getting shit from people who are angry about not being invited. To an elopement. That we didn’t even tell our mothers about. I told her I didn’t expect to be invited I just would have liked to be informed. But we really don’t talk unless we bump into each out when we’re out and we really haven’t been doing that much these days.

I also addressed what I perceived to be a coldness from that side of the family. I explained that I had reached out to her mom and it had not been reciprocated. She assured me that there were no negative feelings and that she would try harder to keep in touch and make sure others did the same. Maybe everyone keeps expecting everyone else to make the first move. Maybe everyone’s making assumptions about everyone else and not bothering to clear shit up first.

The truth is that we’ve never been close to Dad’s side of the family. We grew up with my Mom’s side. They’ve always been much warmer and down to earth. My Dad’s side always has drama. Someone is always not talking to someone else. It’s always been a minefield. Everyone seems to run hot and cold. And there’s a lot of bad blood with my mother. So honestly I tend to just keep away. But I do have a few cousins I have good relationships with who don’t get involved in any of that shit either. They’re the ones I hold on to. So as of now I guess I’ll keep trying to keep the lines of communication open more and hope they do the same. I’m glad I made the call and cleared the air. She was too. 

I made myself a nice mushroom, tomato and cheese omelette for breakfast. I forgot I had baby spinach in the fridge or I would have thrown some of that in too. But it was delicious nonetheless.

I tried this new Bailey’s hazelnut coffee creamer today. I was really excited about it but it tastes kinda meh. I don’t know if I didn’t use enough or what but now I’m stuck with it because I have a whole bottle to finish. Also it has no alcohol in it which I think if you’re going to call it Bailey’s you kinda need to put some spirits in the damn thing. It’s only fair.

My mother has gone to Tobago for the weekend while her boyfriend spends the next two weeks in Miami making sure he doesn’t lose his green card status. I never understand people who just don’t go ahead and get citizenship as soon as they’re able. You never have to worry about your status again but also having a U.S. passport means like NO visas for most of the world hello? I’m pretty psyched that Trinidad and Tobago nationals no longer need visas to visit the EU anymore. That’s fucking awesome. 

I spent yesterday on the road running errands and stuff. I hate those days where I can’t be in my studio. I’m really revved up to work on some new stuff today. 

I have Silver Springs running through my head. I think I’m gonna put on the real thing. Stevie is my girl hero man. I just love her.

Tired. Didn’t get enough sleep last night. Not in the mood.

I had a nice long chat with my sister tonight and we had fun, as always. She made me feel a lot better. My sister is the absolute best.

lavendertheatre:

Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.

You may be dissociating if you:

• find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything
• feel completely numb
• feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie.
• feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy
• lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on
• feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream
• feel like you’re floating 
• suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you
• feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you
• are very startled when someone/something gets your attention
• completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago
• suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason
• can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live
• find yourself rocking back and forth
• become very focused on a small or trivial object or event
• find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them.
• feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it.
• perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you

(likes and reblogs always taken as support)

hersheywrites:

Thanks

-Management.

Thank you yes

I messaged the cousin that got married asking her if it was true. She read it but did not reply.

I need to calm down or I won’t get any sleep tonight. I’ve been messaging with both my mom and my sister. They’re both livid. And done.

Honestly, if my half sister wasn’t flying all the way from England to meet our dad’s side of the family and visit Trinidad for the first time in her life, I’d cut them all out of my life. I just heard that one of my cousins got married last month and didn’t invite me. She didn’t elope. She had a fucking wedding. And I was excluded. I’d expect them to exclude my mother. There is no love lost between them and her. But me? What the fuck did I ever do to any of them. It’s like once dad died they spit us out. Nice to know our family ties were so tenuous. They can go fuck themselves. After Susan leaves, that is. I know I sound angry but underneath it all is deep hurt. I lost my dad now I have to lose all family ties to him too? Really? Wow. Fuck them.

radicalfeministdragon:

To all my female followers: walk confidently. Be unapologetic. Speak your mind. You’re all goddesses.

trinilikesalt replied to your post “I’m in a pissy mood because I haven’t eaten much today. I’m gonna make…”

HYMC fruit.

zactly

I’m in a pissy mood because I haven’t eaten much today. I’m gonna make some fajitas for dinner but I don’t know what to eat in the meantime cause Chris doesn’t get home until 8:30-9ish tonight. I have fruit but fuck fruit. Wait I bought some polish sausage. Lemme eat that before I go looking for somebody to slap.

I bought shit today to neaten up my studio and make the house look nicer, and somehow everything just looks worse. My studio’s still in a mess. There’s stuff all over the place outside in the hall. The only place that looks orderly is the bedroom. This is such bullshit. I’m not feeling my apartment right now. Fuck I wish we could move this place is just too fucking small.

mylittletrainwreck replied to your post “TT”

PTSD. Yelling, slamming doors, throwing things, criticism, ridicule. We fight against fist that clenches our heart and eventually we win.

Yeah it’s definitely PTSD. It’s so horrible because I can remember a time in my life when I wasn’t like this. 

I’m just gonna start blocking blogs that follow me that I have nothing in common with. Cause I already said I don’t follow kids or reblog blogs. And I don’t like people reading my shit if we’re not going to be interacting. And like what fucking random ass people are finding my blog and following me? Why is your Harry Potter obsessed seventeen year old ass interested in reading the garbage that goes on in the head of a 42 year old married woman? What the fuck is wrong with you. No. Block. I getting militant up in dis shit now.

I saw a post about anxiety today and I recognized so much of myself in it.

I never thought of myself as being a person with anxiety. I mean I’m not exactly cool, calm and collected, but I’ve never identified with the way I’ve heard it described before. Until today.

The last time I saw a therapist I was displaying symptoms. He told me that given my family background it wasn’t surprising.

I grew up in a house with parents who were highly critical of me. They were also very verbally abusive. From a young age I also witnessed physical abuse both between relatives and my parents. Consequently I grew up terrified of saying and doing the wrong thing lest I get into trouble and set off the fireworks.

For my whole life I was made to feel like I should apologize for my existence. I was not allowed to take up space or have an opinion. My feelings were never validated. There was no one to comfort or defend me. From a young age I felt very alone and abandoned.

On some level I was always able to view my circumstances with acute clarity. And that is how I have been able to combat much of the conditioned responses and triggers that have been built into me.

But some I will never be rid of. I have been really good at pushing past my fears, but I am still just a person. I understand my triggers. I understand why I shake when I am around authority figures. I understand why when put on the spot I cannot remember even my own name. Why I stammer when I’m upset. Why I startle easily. Why my heart races when someone slams a door. Why I have palpitations when I hear heavy footsteps. Why shouting can literally shut off my ability to hear. Why I am so good at reading the energy of a room as I step into it.

I have spent my life fighting fear, pushing myself to be braver, to speak up, to challenge authority. I became a rebel because it was my way of confronting the damage that was done to me. My most defiant act was to accept myself and be completely unapologetic about who I am.

I still struggle with what I suppose must be anxiety. I realize that I always will. But every time it raises its stupid fat head, I barge past it and do the thing anyway. Especially if I am afraid. I will not allow it to control me.

Didn’t bake bread. Baked cookies. They were good.

I got 4 today. Something massive happened.

Wow how weird.

I always say yes to bread.

Well I was gonna get up and get started on it but then Chris said he was leaving class early and so I just decided I’d make it tomorrow instead

nikkidactyl replied to your post “nikkidactyl replied to your post “womaninterrupted replied to your…”

I have no idea what the deal is. I don’t follow porn blogs and I don’t look at porn here.

Well oddly enough they all have the same kind of name so I’m wondering if it’s just all coming from the same source. I don’t follow or look at porn here either so it’s just really bugging me to have that invade my space here.

nikkidactyl replied to your post “womaninterrupted replied to your post “I had two porn blogs follow me…”

I have had about a dozen follow me today. It’s out of control. I block every one of them.

Another one just followed me. Ugh! I feel contaminated!

womaninterrupted replied to your post “I had two porn blogs follow me today (not at the same exact time)…”

I had some new ones follow me today too, but I hate that it’s impossible to block them from the app.

ugh gross

I had two porn blogs follow me today (not at the same exact time) which is weird cause I don’t use tumblr for porn ever so the first one was like a fluke but the second one left me wondering what kind of fuckery is happening with this damn site? At least I was able to block them without actually going on their blogs because I am not in the fucking mood for strange snatch all up in my face.

Dude

There are just random fucking people showing up on my dash that I never followed. wtf tumblr? get something right for once

I just bought myself a new sketchbook and a fountain pen. Simple things like this make me happy.

Last night was looking at these cat gifs and then the stray cats outside started howling and for a split second I got really confused about the state of modern technology

Ok I’ll see if I find it next time and take a pic if it

How can you update the app and make it WORSE?

Oh there you are staff. There you are.

You can doooo eeeeeeeet!

But that’s not what he said though.

Read it again. That wasn’t what he said.

everydayjewels replied to your post “Sometimes I want to post something about my Dad and just thinking…”

Oh hon, much love to you. ��

Thank you luv xxx

reignysrain replied to your post “reignysrain replied to your post:Sometimes I want to post something…”

I hope being able to put all the feels out in words on your Tumblr helps. My Tumblr acts as my therapy. You guys all help daily. I hope that we help you too.

Of course you guys do! I’d pretty much have no human interaction, virtual or otherwise on a daily basis (with the exception of my husband) if it wasn’t for here. I have to say that tumblr was a great source of support when I was dealing with my Dad’s illness. It was sometimes too hard and too real to deal with with my IRL friends. And sometimes I needed them to be my escape. I was able to deal with it here in a way I couldn’t otherwise.

This has been a refuge for me for the past four years. Definitely my therapy as well.

reignysrain replied to your post “that thing i use wrote made me cry. dammit man”

It’s ok to cry. Let’s go get churro ice cream sammiches! (Well unless you’re lactose intolerant.) I hope there is something that makes you smile today!

Oh boy does that EVER make me smile. My love of churros is well documented on tumblr. And I am definitely NOT lactose intolerant! 😀

I don’t think you will ever be able to let go of that memory or that experience. It is part of you. I hope maybe you can embrace it and take it in, instead of it being a scar and having it cause you hurt. One day, yes? ❤

I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life but none like this. And I suppose it is still very fresh. Or at least it feels that way sometimes. I don’t know how it will feel in the future but I expect it will be just like all of the other things that were traumatic at the time. The edges blunt a little and the pain becomes less sharp until eventually all you feel is maybe sadness or regret. I know it’s a process. I’m going through it. Some days are worse than others. Today was bad. I don’t dwell on it or I’d be mired in the pain so I just try to move on.

I’m so sorry. I want so badly to go home to be with my stepdad. Doc told him today maybe another month. Lung cancer. It moved into his pelvic and shoulder bones now.

Oh hun I am so, so very sorry. I have no words to comfort you, but I am here if you need someone to talk to. Sending you a long hug.

that thing i just wrote made me cry.

dammit man