I saw a post about anxiety today and I recognized so much of myself in it.

I never thought of myself as being a person with anxiety. I mean I’m not exactly cool, calm and collected, but I’ve never identified with the way I’ve heard it described before. Until today.

The last time I saw a therapist I was displaying symptoms. He told me that given my family background it wasn’t surprising.

I grew up in a house with parents who were highly critical of me. They were also very verbally abusive. From a young age I also witnessed physical abuse both between relatives and my parents. Consequently I grew up terrified of saying and doing the wrong thing lest I get into trouble and set off the fireworks.

For my whole life I was made to feel like I should apologize for my existence. I was not allowed to take up space or have an opinion. My feelings were never validated. There was no one to comfort or defend me. From a young age I felt very alone and abandoned.

On some level I was always able to view my circumstances with acute clarity. And that is how I have been able to combat much of the conditioned responses and triggers that have been built into me.

But some I will never be rid of. I have been really good at pushing past my fears, but I am still just a person. I understand my triggers. I understand why I shake when I am around authority figures. I understand why when put on the spot I cannot remember even my own name. Why I stammer when I’m upset. Why I startle easily. Why my heart races when someone slams a door. Why I have palpitations when I hear heavy footsteps. Why shouting can literally shut off my ability to hear. Why I am so good at reading the energy of a room as I step into it.

I have spent my life fighting fear, pushing myself to be braver, to speak up, to challenge authority. I became a rebel because it was my way of confronting the damage that was done to me. My most defiant act was to accept myself and be completely unapologetic about who I am.

I still struggle with what I suppose must be anxiety. I realize that I always will. But every time it raises its stupid fat head, I barge past it and do the thing anyway. Especially if I am afraid. I will not allow it to control me.