When the first Blackout happened I dutifully posted my picture. I remember admiring all these beautiful Black faces crossing my dash and I felt remotely uncomfortable about having participated. I didn’t see any faces that looked like me. I felt a bit like an intruder.

A few days later I happened to scroll past a photo of three models. One was Black, one was Indian, and the third I think was Asian (I know Indians are also Asian but you know what I mean).

The photo struck me because in looking at the Indian model I finally found the recognition in her features that I had been looking for during the Blackout. Same shape face, long nose, same round, large Indian eyes.

I don’t identify with my Indian heritage even a tiny bit. I reject it, quite frankly. So it was really disconcerting to see how much my features betray those roots.

I really don’t have a point I’m just thinking out loud. Race is so largely defined by how you look versus who or what you really are. Wherever I go people project onto me whatever they see. I’m West Indian. I’m Indian. I’m North African. I’m Arabic.

Choosing one always feels like I’m lying to myself. Yet choosing “multiracial” makes me feel like it’s a cop out. I feel like I have to take a stance. And I choose Black. But it’s not accurate or true and I really wonder sometimes who I think I’m fooling. Myself?