I had a long talk with my mom today and a theme kept coming up, of letting go of people who can’t make the effort to be in your life. 

I know we both experienced that after my Dad died, in particular with his side of the family. My mom had issues with certain members of my Dad’s family so she really didn’t expect them to maintain contact much after he passed away. But I didn’t have any such issues, and basically after he died they just all fucked off. 

It was hurtful and confusing at the time. But I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and just figured they were busy, giving us time to adjust… whatever. But over the past few years, certain things have taken place which have lead me to believe we’ve been deliberately ignored and left out of key family events. I did not share my mother’s outrage on our behalf at the time (middle child, ever the peacemaker) but at this point, I say fuck them. We have always been closer to my mother’s side anyway and they have always been there for us. 

We also got to talking about female friends. Like me, my mom’s never had a ton of luck in that area, and probably for a lot of the same reasons. I told her that after the past year of trying, it seems that I have to let go of my friendship with one of my oldest female friends. She’s always “busy” and never available lately and my gut tells me that this distance is deliberate. I have a few theories as to why but none of it is my responsibility to fix. So I am just going to give up and say fuck it too. Because I’ve flat out asked her if anything was wrong and she said no. So there’s nothing else I can do.

Then she brought up Gary and Roger, my two best friends who I’ve known for about 25 years (they’ve been friends with each other even longer). Not only have they been there for me through thick and thin, they’ve been there for my family. On his deathbed, my father (who bitched about them a lot over the years) thanked them for being such faithful and loyal friends to me. It meant the world to me that he was finally able to see what I valued in them, and that he told them so. It was very meaningful to them too. My mother of course has always loved them to bits.

I think I have been fortunate in my life to have had genuine friends who deeply love me. And if that does not hold true for certain members of my family, I have to accept that and release it. And if a friendship has come to its end I have to do the same. It always hurts. It always makes me sad. But there is grace in acceptance, and I would rather focus my energy on those who make me feel cherished. I have no need for something that doesn’t want me.